The daily struggle

  I recently read this quote by Beau Taplin: “I’m beginning to recognize that real happiness isn’t something large and looming on the horizon ahead, but something small, numerous and already here. The smile of someone you love. A decent breakfast. The warm sunset. Your little everyday joys all lined up in a row.” It got me thinking about how I view and define happiness. Depression has been in my life for so long that happiness is such a distant memory. I often find myself questioning whether I have ever felt it. I don’t think I can remember what it feels like. My idea on what happiness is and how it feels is mainly based on my observations of people around me who I view as “happy,” from characters in books, films and from daydreaming about a life where I literally just feel the opposite of how I feel now. I imagine happiness as this finish line I’ve been trying to get to — but it’s always too far out of reach. I imagine that achieving happiness will be like a huge reveal of a new a...

  Self-sabotaging (relationships, jobs, etc.) is a fairly common habit of people with borderline personality disorder (BPD). Personally, I think I sabotage myself without even knowing it, mainly because I feel like I don’t deserve anything good in my life. When things are going well, my anxiety  actually increases, because I’m afraid things will fall apart at any second. I’m not used to stability — it’s a foreign concept to me — so it makes me feel uncertain and suspicious. I will subconsciously try to sabotage my relationships because I am terrified and paranoid the other person is going to hurt me, and I tell myself I’d rather force them to leave me on my terms and be alone than live with the torment of having them leave me because they wanted to. Basically, my mindset is “reject them before they can reject you.” Of course, I don’t  actually  want to end things at all, but I literally cannot cope with being hurt, the pain is physically unbearable, so I’m ...